forgiveness

since i've started this blog i get plenty of opportunities to talk to women who are going through similar situations as i have. they're single and their "partner" isn't much of a partner or a partner at all. tons of people ask me, "how do you do it? stay so strong..." well... it wasn't always easy.

i've had my share of scenes, my moments of pleading, my rampant name calling, and my retaliations in gossip... but all that just left me bitter. ever look up the definition to bitter - its unpleasant.



the feelings would overwhelm my insides. my insides were bitter and that wasn't the way that i wanted to live. i didn't want to become my problem.

first of all... this is how i started to change my insides.

perspective. at first it was a playing card in the small deck of cards i had against laken's dad. i would tell him that the baby is a blessing. the more i started to say it, the more i started to believe it, and the more real that it started to become. babies truly are blessings. (planned or not). that little soul, heart, body, mind was chosen to be your little gift from God. once you feel that little kick within your heart will change and your mind will be focused on what is best for that little one inside. (he could be your partner's blessing too, but maybe not at this given time)

my blessing. laken... i don't like to put this out on the internet, but for this i will... laken is a very needy baby! and i didn't want to say it because i didn't want someone's eyes to read it and say hurtful things about him or us... but its ok because other people's opinions about you are none of your business. some days i ask myself... "why me?! why do i, a single mom - with limited help, get stuck with a baby that doesn't want to give me a break?!" because really... baby laken is a very happy baby when you're entertaining him, but the "free" time you get with him is very limited. he gives up on everything (his swings, bouncer, tummy time, toys, gym, vibrating chair, & his m&p chair) very quickly. it can be very frustrating because you lose yourself... you'll feel like you are that baby and not yourself. you're an extension of that baby! your day revolves around feeding him, cleaning him, changing him, entertaining him, yada yada him. but really, he is a blessing... he is teaching me things that i would of never gained on my own. he is helping me develop patience, teaching me a new kind of love, and makes me want to be a better role model for him, and in that i "win" too.



self worth. you are created in the image of God and that is more than enough reason to want the best for you. I am not trying to force religion or for anyone to get offended if they don't believe in God. (laken drew me back to God, and He is where i pull my strength from "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - philipians 4:13). but you're a wonderful creation and you deserve the best. obviously i wasn't doing what is "right" by waiting to be married before having sex or have a child, but that doesn't mean i am not worthy of the very best.

a man that deserts his child is no man at all. they're lost and need guidance. as much as we'd like to be the one to guide them to manhood, sometimes we just can't. they're not willing to make that change and you don't deserve to sit around and wait for them to. i'm not gonna sugar coat it for anyone, there is a possibility for a guy to just straight up not be there for your child. (guys are very logical - very black and white - yes or no... not much in between) you can make excuses for him all you'd like, but until he does is when he does. you'll may also have a partner who is just there "when it is convenient" -- i don't know anything about that one, but i'm sure it is frustrating. you'll just have to bring your mind set onto the first card... that child is truly a blessing, and you're the one that gets to reap the benefits. go ahead you kindergarten child, gloat! you don't have to share!

standards. once you've decided that you're ok with doing this on your own or realizing that you basically don't have any other choice... that little booger is coming, you'll have to start shaping your life. i tell women that once they have let go that they'll need to set a standard for their next partner - if they decide to take one. god has a sense of humor... he will test you over and over with bad seeds until you learn. last november i dated a guy for a couple weeks. i was pregnant, it was weird. he was good on paper (great job, property, and a super awesome truck) and extremely attractive. hubba hubba!! but he just wasn't what i needed in my life. if i didn't break it off then i would of probably ended up with another xbf and more issues to sort. since then i have accepted only ONE date, and even that was VERY casual. i am like santa... i have made a list and i am checking it twice - or maybe even three times. if they're not going to be a wonderful man for laken and i, then he's got to go. period.

a little bit on self worth taken from that big book called the bible (one of my favorites) jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"



and last, but not least... in fact, it is by far the most important forgiveness. this goes for any situation that you face, but will most definitely help you in this situation. forgiving laken's father, family, and girlfriend has been the most liberating thing. i will always forgive them for anything they say or do. because holding onto anything that will make me bitter again will destroy my insides--again, and they don't deserve that. i don't deserve that. holding onto anger, betrayal, or a wrongdoing will only create a bondage. and do you really wanna wear those things? a necklace of anger, a dress of betrayal, and shoes or wrongdoings... you'd look pretty awful. so break that bondage and truly forgive others, and you'll learn that by doing so you're setting yourself free. i promise.

if you really knew me...

don't let this post rub you the wrong way.
here is a little bit of MacBook lingo for ya: i started this post about a month ago and left it as an unsaved "text edit" document on my computer. i ended up "force quitting" and discarding all unsaved documents one day just out of pure annoyance. i figured that all the unsaved documents were published blogs or blogs that i just didn't care to revisit and publish.

anyhow, in light of the heavy job search and the interview tomorrow i thought this would be a perfect time to publish it. i figured you have to tell relative strangers things about you to get a job.. why not tell you guys for entertainment or regret (why'd i waste my time reading this stupid post?!)

this was a little thing going around on a couple blogs that i read from time to time. i haven't been blogging much lately, because i haven't found much "me" time, but being how laken went to sleep at 8 today and i am taking a break from job searching... here goes:



if you really knew me...

you'd know that i am very "particular" about things. that is a nice way my friend valerie put it. let me elaborate...

-dishes: i have to scrub them with a certain brush and rinse them before i can put them in the dish water where they will then get washed with a sponge.
-coaster: at one point i feel like i started to collect them. you have to have your drink on a coaster, and i am pretty sure that i got that from my mother. my coffee table is pretty much ruined from living with tiffany, kira, and bree (thanks girls) and my dad taking it apart while moving my furniture.... but still... you better put a coaster under it. oh and no drinks NEAR my desk. (except for tonight... right now. i am sipping some hot green tea in my "J" mug sans-coaster! yikes! rebel).
-editing: no writing on anything that i've designed or editing anything i've created. "no, no boo-boo," as my cousin joslynn would say. lol. very big pet-peeve. i'm sure i'm not alone. designers? (and while we're on pet peeves... i don't like ghetto text talk "da" "b" "n" for "the" "be" and "and" or constant ridiculous misspelling. **i know... am i one to talk? the girl who HATES capital letters at the beginning of words/sentences & improper punctuation)

you'd unfortunately know that i like to pick my nose. it all started innocently enough as a child, but grew more intense and out more out in the open when i had my septum pierced. before flipping it out i would have to make sure a slimmy or crusty little green friend didn't decide to snuggle up against the shinny metal in my nostril, and of course i didn't want it to make its appearance so i picked it off. and then why stop there... lets clean the whole cave, because no one wants a bat hanging out in there. it's gotten worse now that i have laken... he's only added two more nostrils to the list. if he's got something in there... you best believe imma pickin' or suctioning that booger out! (pun intended)

you'd know that i have a messy past. its not any more messy than the kind of life most of my peers are living. i had a messy break up and dealt with it immaturely in the beginning but have evolved past everything and accepted the things that i can not change. (refer to the serenity prayer... i don't follow prayers, but it fits how i feel about the whole thing)"do not judge me from my past, i do not live there anymore"

you'd know that if you ever came over to my house unannounced that i'll most likely be in yoga pants, although my yoga pants probably only practice yoga (now) maybe 10-15% of the time they're worn.

you'd know how strongly i feel about flip-flops not being shoes. i don't care about any other person's feet and how or where they wish to wear their shower shoes/house shoes out in public.... i just don't agree to it for my walking machines. and i hated, hated, hated the last month and a half of pregnancy because thats all these then fat feet could fit in. (and the dumb things gave me a corn... yes! i know... corn should only be for eating... not to accessorize your foot.)

you'd know that i jump at oppurtinities to create/plan! if there is a party... let's pretty the details. if you have an idea... i wanna expand on it. i can't shake it, its just something i love to do. you'd also know that laken has put me on restriction from allowing that part of me to thrive - momentarily.

you'd know that i am ever growing, ever changing. i'm molding into a person i am very much proud of. i'm living by God, growing in faith, and trying to reach other women who open up to me. I want to encourage others that they, too, can find strength within the Lord. He can heal your wounds! you're not alone! :)

keep it classy blog/internet world... job search time, once again (and my tea is getting cold!)

i miss you...

oh blog, how I miss you! isn't it crazy how when you have a tiny one growing at your house, everything else gets put on the back burner - even when it's something you really love to do. sometimes I don't even feel like I am myself... I feel like I am Laken. All day long it's what he needs pretty much.

I used to read those little caption pictures here and there on FB about stay at home mothers pretty much saying don't act like a mother's job is a piece of cake. If you've ever babysat, worked at a daycare, or have been a full-time nanny... you probably still don't know how much work it is. you could only truly know once you've lived it.



I have written what a paragraph and have had to get up 3 times to do things for my son AND HE IS SLEEPING! (imagine my day). Every meal is cold and usually ate standing up, there is an occasional linger from the diaper genie that really doesn't hide any stench, dishes are either dirty or not put away, showers are vacations but usually are cut short when you have to hold your crying baby while dripping water on the floor, every outfit has some sort of body fluid on it, your trunk is no longer for anything else but a stroller, your hair is always in a ponytail and most the time not even brushed, and you relish the 20 minutes you get to run to the store alone while your mom entertains him. of course, you can ask any mother if they regret it and they'll all say, "I wouldn't change it for the world."

That feeling can steal your heart as soon as you feel that first little flutter in your tummy (unless of course you thought it was gas). Even if you weren't "ready" to have a baby, but really, what percent of babies ARE planned anyway?

Laken is currently fighting a cough/congestion. I waited at Dr. Andaya's for 4.5 hours Friday just to hear what they said to me Wednesday on the phone. Saline drops. I even spent $60 on a humidifier that I personally don't think made any difference, but you'll try anything to make sure your little one isn't in pain.



Mr. Handsome has also been eating rice cereal. He hasn't really grasping the concept yet. His little mouse up there in his noggin takes a break on the wheel sometimes - instead of spinning it rocks back and forth. No, I'm totally kidding... He did WONDERFUL when my Mom came over yesterday and took a turn... with 4 kids under her belt and Laken as the 6th grand-child, it's safe to say that she is a pro! She really is great with him. He LOOOVVES her!


Laken is also a flirt... I promise. Everytime we are anywhere women will gush at him and he just gives them his BEST smile and twinkles his little blue eyes. So, since he's a ladies man... I'm gonna have to teach him how to treat a lady. This little guy will not be treating any little girls bad... no, no. Momma will not raise him that way.

I have a couple thoughts in mind for other posts, and I'm gonna make the time to get around to it. Until then... you can follow 60% of our "adventures" on Instagram. @feistyfeathers





xo.

a little boy bringing on a little bit of struggle

photo by unkle mar-mar

after these past two days i can't believe that my hair is on my head. i have had two days full of screaming and crying. i have had my patience tested, and i think i missed placed it. i prayed throughout my frustration, but for some reason it didn't work the whole time. i have been comforted all day today by friends and family saying supportive things... and one little line that stuck out the most was "everyone has stressful things in their lives at least ur stress comes from a beautiful baby boy that loves you." (things could be worse) and want to know the funny part... the stress didn't start until a little bit after i got off a phone call with my friend valerie yesterday. she told me "you're such a happy mom. when laken is fussy you're just so calm and cheerful." wellllll... that was because i had my mind set that he is only a 3 month old little guy and he needs help soothing himself and just needs to feel the love of his momma. the circumstances are that he just has me. i am the only one he is around 80% of his days, and he is used to me... if i don't do it, who will? i was looking all day for my sign, for my peace from God and I heard it on the radio. "God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggles, a reward for your faithfulness. don't give up. trust him." I just need to just pray through it all. keep calm and just work it out.

just before writing this post laken reminded me of why i love being a mother and why he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. while reading "love you forever" he just smiled and laughed when i'd sing... "i love you forever, i like you for always, as long as i'm living... my baby you'll be."

little things just have to bring you back to your sanity. oh the joys of being a mother. :) ...i wouldn't change a thing. not even the last 2 days!

i promise

emily's story

this is a long overdue post. i wanted to post this a while back, but i still haven't gotten a chance to go take a picture for my blog... i decided to steal some pictures from her facebook instead.

this is emily's story. emily is a mother to a precious little boy named liam, i claim that he is the long lost strokes' member. he's extremely handsome. liam's daddy is the small town famous guitar strumming pro daniel aka d-nigs.
emily has been on an incredible journey through losing her baby weight and then some all the while taking care of her son and now she's started school to become a radiologist. she actually is part of my inspiration to wanting to change my body. about a month ago i asked her if she'd like to share her story through a couple questions i ask on my blog. she was delighted. here goes:

emily's story

the Pro's and Con's of Parenting
Pro’s of parenting:
-Having the pleasure of teaching your child… teaching them about the world around them, how to talk, walk, read, write and heavier things like morals/values & manners.
-Being an outsider, watching my son grow has been a wonderful experience; he is always surprising me with his common sense and all the new things that he has learned from someone somewhere. They really are sponges, he remembers everything. I’m proud to be his mom.
-Being able to know unconditional love.

Con’s of parenting:
-No matter what you instill in your children they will always find their own way. Parents will always feel responsible for both “failure” and “success”.
-The stress you get from people judging you, wanting you to do something differently or saying “I would do it this way”—All of us mothers are trying to do the BEST we can, with what we got..its called MOTHERLY INSTINCTS and THIS momma knows best for Liam.

how did you feel about your body after you had Liam?
Honestly, after giving birth I felt skinny again because I had just lost that huge hard belly I had been waddling around with for a few months. After spending the first days with Liam I actually felt that my body was not just MY body anymore, because I breastfed and all the changes that my body went through were all because of my little Liam. I felt amazing and humbled that my body could produce, deliver, and nourish an infant. It wasn’t until after I stopped breastfeeding that my mushy belly and stretch marks started to annoy me.



what was your turning point when you decided you wanted to make a change to your lifestyle?
Let me just say that I did not realize how big I was getting, I was an emotional eater. I started noticing that in pictures I was getting bigger from every which way AFTER I had already lost a big chunk of pregnancy weight. I tried to exercise here & there but was not giving it 100% because I still was eating horribly. In October 2011 Liam turned ONE and I thought…Wow it has been a whole year since I’ve given birth and have not even tried to get back into shape. I went through a lot of stuff during my WHOLE 41 week pregnancy and even the whole year after Liam was born, I was depressed, resentful, and angry most of the time. I had a lot of problems with different people because of what I had gone through. Instead of focusing on them any longer, I decided I needed to work on myself. I decided to TRY to diet & exercise regularly, despite the fact that I hated the thought of diets and restrictions I was desperate. After reaping the benefits of my plan, I tried to really stick to eating healthy and working out and I keep trying to reach my goals. Even if I have a bad week or month of completely falling off I always return to my original plan, with the same enthusiasm.

did you set a goal? or did you just try to see what happened?
In September 2011 I bought a measuring tape and wrote down all of my measurements in the places I wanted to shrink (..although I didn’t do anything about it until November). I always had a goal in mind, I needed to see the changes in more ways than one for me to even consider giving up some bread and sugar. Next to my measurements I wrote down what I’d like the numbers to be at some point in time. My weight goal was to weigh 115, I stagger between 118 & 120(imSOclose!). Another one of my goals was to be able to run a straight mile without stopping and without dying. I have accomplished that one goal and am proud. I never set a time limit because I did not want to be discouraged, I saw the results of my hard work. It’s a journey not a marathon.

what inspires you?
People inspire me. My mother is 42 years old, she can run circles around me. Real people inspire me I have found some awesome women on the internet who have helped me lose and stay motivated. People on my Facebook page who are young mothers, or just girls/women in general, my friends and acquaintances who are trying to get healthy and fit truly inspire me and I inspire them. I think everyone should put some effort into being HEALTHY especially if they are parents.

whats your favorite dish?
My favorite dish would be my tilapia. I sauté onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms in a skillet with olive oil & garlin and then add the tilapia, I scoop some of the vegetables off, pour it on top of the fish, cover the pan & let it steam for about 10 minutes. It is so delicious and I don’t even like to eat fish THAT much, but it has so many healthy benefits.



what's your favorite thing to do in the gym?
I go to Solid Fitness gym and it is more for classes than machines. So my favorite thing to do at the gym is my BOOT CAMP class, it’s never easy, always challenging, and it makes me feel awesome afterwards. I have come to know strength I never knew I had.



what's one memory as a mother you'll hold on to forever?
The one memory that I will hold on to forever as a mother is the moment a nurse handed me my baby boy and he & I locked eyes and just stared at each other, he was so alert. I could cry just thinking about it.

is there anything you'd do differently?
I was going to say that I wish I would have started changing my lifestyle earlier, but I don’t need to be hard on myself I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and that’s all that matters. I wouldn’t change one thing.

going on a vacation or to the store?

so it has been a couple weeks now that I have just been envious of a friends little diaper bag. for one it looked good (no Winnie the Poo, Cars, or something obnoxious like that-no offense) and it carried everything you ACTUALLY use while you're out. I have been lugging around the diaper bag my sister got for me (smart little cookie... she got my initials put on it so I can use it for whatever) and I have been carrying around this heavy expensive Coach purse. I tried putting bottles, burp clothes, and formula dispenser in my purse, but once things leaked a little I stopped. my purse is too nice to ruin. well then I started carrying around this green bottle bag and a diaper changing kit (the thing with the wipes, changing mat, and diaper) but I started to want to have a bag for those things. I finally got it together and bought a purse that I wouldn't mind getting wet or messy (by accident of course). It's been working out great! the fact that it's sling gives you easy access to a bottle while baby is in the other hand. and so now when I go places I hope it looks like I've kind of gotten it more together. of course you'll need your bigger bag for when you take little dude/dudette to nana's or on a little trip for his little medicines, ointments, grooming things, toys, bottle cleaners, pump or formula supplies.

what I keep in here is 1 burp cloth if its not out and being used already, 2-3 diapers, gas drops, 2 bottles in a zip lock bag, formula dispenser, extra nursery water also in a zip lock, and a couple of my things.

steps to change

i haven't spent some quality time with my blog lately. haven't written in it as much as i'd like. i have written blogs in my iphone messages, but i haven't put them on here. well... i finally am going to lay everything out here on the line.

there are some big changes going on in my life. i haven't mentioned this to anyone unless they ask, but i got laid off from my job while i was on maternity leave. i found out one month after i was gone. at first i was really upset, but then i got to thinking... i would never have left that negative place if it wasn't for being laid off. sometimes it would be a grueling 8 hours to work through because my boss was extremely rude or because the guy underneath him was plotting to get another person fired all the while this other guy is trying to get the whole job site closed down so that he can show his authority. oh to work in construction!
anyhow, i started collecting unemployment and have mildly been looking for a new job. i get extremely sad at the thought of leaving laken with a baby sitter while i go work, but my sister told me to look at it as making his life better by providing. (which i know will be rewarding once i do get a new job).

well for a while i had been living my life in the mentality that i will be leaving kingsville and going to austin... i don't want to date anyone here i don't want to connect to anyone here that isn't my core 5-6 friends. what kind of life is that? i have decided to live for the moment and enjoy what i have right now. i wouldn't say that i wasn't happy with myself, but i could be happier. the only person that is standing in the way of that happiness is me. so i have been making steps to change it all.


my first main focus is to work on my faith. i want to be stronger with my relationship with God and i wanna grow in my faith. plain and simple. I have been doing my own Bible studies and I have been reaching out to fellowship with other believers. I want to live a life that pleases him, for he has given me so much strength in my life.


second, i would like to be happy in my own skin. i have never been particularly skinny or plain out FAT for that matter. i have always been a bigger girl, chunky. i have my metabolism working against me, but who says i can't fight back? i had been wanting to post about this a while back when i first started to try to lose weight but... then it would make it real. real in the sense that i'd have to stick to it, or everyone would know i gave up. silly, i know, but you might feel the same way. i mean every attempt i'd try to eat better i'd start off as an angel in the morning and then i'd be stuffing spin dip and a strawberry margarita in my face at night. i've stumbled on some guidance to weight loss and i've been sticking it out strong. just ask any one of my friends (kayla, valerie, or bianca - they've all tried to tempt me out of it). i'll post more on this adventure in a later post... especially because august 8th is coming up and that day is very special to me.

this list continues with smaller things such as: blogging more, starting a freelance event planning, getting my finances in order, etc.


i am going to be starting a new blog feature as well... i am going to feature inspiring women mostly mothers or just inspiration that i can throw your way. everyone needs a little bit of encouragement now and then.


and news in laken land... he is 3 months old as of yesterday. i am going to make a post with his 3 month pictures soon!

hope you're gearing up for the weekend! :)