Saturday, September 29, 2012


since i've started this blog i get plenty of opportunities to talk to women who are going through similar situations as i have. they're single and their "partner" isn't much of a partner or a partner at all. tons of people ask me, "how do you do it? stay so strong..." well... it wasn't always easy.

i've had my share of scenes, my moments of pleading, my rampant name calling, and my retaliations in gossip... but all that just left me bitter. ever look up the definition to bitter - its unpleasant.

the feelings would overwhelm my insides. my insides were bitter and that wasn't the way that i wanted to live. i didn't want to become my problem.

first of all... this is how i started to change my insides.

perspective. at first it was a playing card in the small deck of cards i had against laken's dad. i would tell him that the baby is a blessing. the more i started to say it, the more i started to believe it, and the more real that it started to become. babies truly are blessings. (planned or not). that little soul, heart, body, mind was chosen to be your little gift from God. once you feel that little kick within your heart will change and your mind will be focused on what is best for that little one inside. (he could be your partner's blessing too, but maybe not at this given time)

my blessing. laken... i don't like to put this out on the internet, but for this i will... laken is a very needy baby! and i didn't want to say it because i didn't want someone's eyes to read it and say hurtful things about him or us... but its ok because other people's opinions about you are none of your business. some days i ask myself... "why me?! why do i, a single mom - with limited help, get stuck with a baby that doesn't want to give me a break?!" because really... baby laken is a very happy baby when you're entertaining him, but the "free" time you get with him is very limited. he gives up on everything (his swings, bouncer, tummy time, toys, gym, vibrating chair, & his m&p chair) very quickly. it can be very frustrating because you lose yourself... you'll feel like you are that baby and not yourself. you're an extension of that baby! your day revolves around feeding him, cleaning him, changing him, entertaining him, yada yada him. but really, he is a blessing... he is teaching me things that i would of never gained on my own. he is helping me develop patience, teaching me a new kind of love, and makes me want to be a better role model for him, and in that i "win" too.

self worth. you are created in the image of God and that is more than enough reason to want the best for you. I am not trying to force religion or for anyone to get offended if they don't believe in God. (laken drew me back to God, and He is where i pull my strength from "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - philipians 4:13). but you're a wonderful creation and you deserve the best. obviously i wasn't doing what is "right" by waiting to be married before having sex or have a child, but that doesn't mean i am not worthy of the very best.

a man that deserts his child is no man at all. they're lost and need guidance. as much as we'd like to be the one to guide them to manhood, sometimes we just can't. they're not willing to make that change and you don't deserve to sit around and wait for them to. i'm not gonna sugar coat it for anyone, there is a possibility for a guy to just straight up not be there for your child. (guys are very logical - very black and white - yes or no... not much in between) you can make excuses for him all you'd like, but until he does is when he does. you'll may also have a partner who is just there "when it is convenient" -- i don't know anything about that one, but i'm sure it is frustrating. you'll just have to bring your mind set onto the first card... that child is truly a blessing, and you're the one that gets to reap the benefits. go ahead you kindergarten child, gloat! you don't have to share!

standards. once you've decided that you're ok with doing this on your own or realizing that you basically don't have any other choice... that little booger is coming, you'll have to start shaping your life. i tell women that once they have let go that they'll need to set a standard for their next partner - if they decide to take one. god has a sense of humor... he will test you over and over with bad seeds until you learn. last november i dated a guy for a couple weeks. i was pregnant, it was weird. he was good on paper (great job, property, and a super awesome truck) and extremely attractive. hubba hubba!! but he just wasn't what i needed in my life. if i didn't break it off then i would of probably ended up with another xbf and more issues to sort. since then i have accepted only ONE date, and even that was VERY casual. i am like santa... i have made a list and i am checking it twice - or maybe even three times. if they're not going to be a wonderful man for laken and i, then he's got to go. period.

a little bit on self worth taken from that big book called the bible (one of my favorites) jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

and last, but not least... in fact, it is by far the most important forgiveness. this goes for any situation that you face, but will most definitely help you in this situation. forgiving laken's father, family, and girlfriend has been the most liberating thing. i will always forgive them for anything they say or do. because holding onto anything that will make me bitter again will destroy my insides--again, and they don't deserve that. i don't deserve that. holding onto anger, betrayal, or a wrongdoing will only create a bondage. and do you really wanna wear those things? a necklace of anger, a dress of betrayal, and shoes or wrongdoings... you'd look pretty awful. so break that bondage and truly forgive others, and you'll learn that by doing so you're setting yourself free. i promise.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

if you really knew me...

don't let this post rub you the wrong way.
here is a little bit of MacBook lingo for ya: i started this post about a month ago and left it as an unsaved "text edit" document on my computer. i ended up "force quitting" and discarding all unsaved documents one day just out of pure annoyance. i figured that all the unsaved documents were published blogs or blogs that i just didn't care to revisit and publish.

anyhow, in light of the heavy job search and the interview tomorrow i thought this would be a perfect time to publish it. i figured you have to tell relative strangers things about you to get a job.. why not tell you guys for entertainment or regret (why'd i waste my time reading this stupid post?!)

this was a little thing going around on a couple blogs that i read from time to time. i haven't been blogging much lately, because i haven't found much "me" time, but being how laken went to sleep at 8 today and i am taking a break from job searching... here goes:

if you really knew me...

you'd know that i am very "particular" about things. that is a nice way my friend valerie put it. let me elaborate...

-dishes: i have to scrub them with a certain brush and rinse them before i can put them in the dish water where they will then get washed with a sponge.
-coaster: at one point i feel like i started to collect them. you have to have your drink on a coaster, and i am pretty sure that i got that from my mother. my coffee table is pretty much ruined from living with tiffany, kira, and bree (thanks girls) and my dad taking it apart while moving my furniture.... but still... you better put a coaster under it. oh and no drinks NEAR my desk. (except for tonight... right now. i am sipping some hot green tea in my "J" mug sans-coaster! yikes! rebel).
-editing: no writing on anything that i've designed or editing anything i've created. "no, no boo-boo," as my cousin joslynn would say. lol. very big pet-peeve. i'm sure i'm not alone. designers? (and while we're on pet peeves... i don't like ghetto text talk "da" "b" "n" for "the" "be" and "and" or constant ridiculous misspelling. **i know... am i one to talk? the girl who HATES capital letters at the beginning of words/sentences & improper punctuation)

you'd unfortunately know that i like to pick my nose. it all started innocently enough as a child, but grew more intense and out more out in the open when i had my septum pierced. before flipping it out i would have to make sure a slimmy or crusty little green friend didn't decide to snuggle up against the shinny metal in my nostril, and of course i didn't want it to make its appearance so i picked it off. and then why stop there... lets clean the whole cave, because no one wants a bat hanging out in there. it's gotten worse now that i have laken... he's only added two more nostrils to the list. if he's got something in there... you best believe imma pickin' or suctioning that booger out! (pun intended)

you'd know that i have a messy past. its not any more messy than the kind of life most of my peers are living. i had a messy break up and dealt with it immaturely in the beginning but have evolved past everything and accepted the things that i can not change. (refer to the serenity prayer... i don't follow prayers, but it fits how i feel about the whole thing)"do not judge me from my past, i do not live there anymore"

you'd know that if you ever came over to my house unannounced that i'll most likely be in yoga pants, although my yoga pants probably only practice yoga (now) maybe 10-15% of the time they're worn.

you'd know how strongly i feel about flip-flops not being shoes. i don't care about any other person's feet and how or where they wish to wear their shower shoes/house shoes out in public.... i just don't agree to it for my walking machines. and i hated, hated, hated the last month and a half of pregnancy because thats all these then fat feet could fit in. (and the dumb things gave me a corn... yes! i know... corn should only be for eating... not to accessorize your foot.)

you'd know that i jump at oppurtinities to create/plan! if there is a party... let's pretty the details. if you have an idea... i wanna expand on it. i can't shake it, its just something i love to do. you'd also know that laken has put me on restriction from allowing that part of me to thrive - momentarily.

you'd know that i am ever growing, ever changing. i'm molding into a person i am very much proud of. i'm living by God, growing in faith, and trying to reach other women who open up to me. I want to encourage others that they, too, can find strength within the Lord. He can heal your wounds! you're not alone! :)

keep it classy blog/internet world... job search time, once again (and my tea is getting cold!)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

i miss you...

oh blog, how I miss you! isn't it crazy how when you have a tiny one growing at your house, everything else gets put on the back burner - even when it's something you really love to do. sometimes I don't even feel like I am myself... I feel like I am Laken. All day long it's what he needs pretty much.

I used to read those little caption pictures here and there on FB about stay at home mothers pretty much saying don't act like a mother's job is a piece of cake. If you've ever babysat, worked at a daycare, or have been a full-time nanny... you probably still don't know how much work it is. you could only truly know once you've lived it.

I have written what a paragraph and have had to get up 3 times to do things for my son AND HE IS SLEEPING! (imagine my day). Every meal is cold and usually ate standing up, there is an occasional linger from the diaper genie that really doesn't hide any stench, dishes are either dirty or not put away, showers are vacations but usually are cut short when you have to hold your crying baby while dripping water on the floor, every outfit has some sort of body fluid on it, your trunk is no longer for anything else but a stroller, your hair is always in a ponytail and most the time not even brushed, and you relish the 20 minutes you get to run to the store alone while your mom entertains him. of course, you can ask any mother if they regret it and they'll all say, "I wouldn't change it for the world."

That feeling can steal your heart as soon as you feel that first little flutter in your tummy (unless of course you thought it was gas). Even if you weren't "ready" to have a baby, but really, what percent of babies ARE planned anyway?

Laken is currently fighting a cough/congestion. I waited at Dr. Andaya's for 4.5 hours Friday just to hear what they said to me Wednesday on the phone. Saline drops. I even spent $60 on a humidifier that I personally don't think made any difference, but you'll try anything to make sure your little one isn't in pain.

Mr. Handsome has also been eating rice cereal. He hasn't really grasping the concept yet. His little mouse up there in his noggin takes a break on the wheel sometimes - instead of spinning it rocks back and forth. No, I'm totally kidding... He did WONDERFUL when my Mom came over yesterday and took a turn... with 4 kids under her belt and Laken as the 6th grand-child, it's safe to say that she is a pro! She really is great with him. He LOOOVVES her!

Laken is also a flirt... I promise. Everytime we are anywhere women will gush at him and he just gives them his BEST smile and twinkles his little blue eyes. So, since he's a ladies man... I'm gonna have to teach him how to treat a lady. This little guy will not be treating any little girls bad... no, no. Momma will not raise him that way.

I have a couple thoughts in mind for other posts, and I'm gonna make the time to get around to it. Until then... you can follow 60% of our "adventures" on Instagram. @feistyfeathers