forth of july pictures & alotta lovin!

what would you do if i told ya that i la-la-la-la-love you!
i had a great 4th of July. It was good just to unwind with family without a congestion of kids running around. there wasn't any fireworks or any firecracker.
we had a barbeque and played games outside on the back patio at my maw maw's house - which is my mother's mom. laken showed up for the festivities dressed to the nines.

today is my first 4th of july, and tomorrow is my first 5th of july.. what's the big deal?!



uncle mar-mar. my brother marty.


my maw maw. last night when i woke up for a feeding i stayed up just in love with laken and everything about him... i wrote this on an iphone note.

I can't describe how much I love my little guy. I love that I have the ability to hear the tiniest noises to wake up in the middle of the night to feed. I love that when I pick him up from his crib at 5 am that his hair is still combed and looks exceptionally handsome. I love when he is hanging out with someone else his eyes follow me when they find me. I love when he sits "still" and let's me read to him. I love when he wakes up and I unswaddle him he stretches these big "I'm growing" stretches. I love when he and I have conversations consisting of coo's and ahh's. I love that he let's me sit him up, dress him up, and stick a huge lens in front of his face. I love that my little 2 month old likes to sit on my hip and look out into the "world." I love that he makes spit up look like the latest fashion trend. And what I love the most of all is that when I look into his eyes.. I know and feel how much this little baby, who doesn't have the ability of speaking or any concrete thoughts, loves me back.

:)

growing belly

i had to do something with all the side view pictures in my cell phone. next time i want to document my pregnancy in a better way, but i didn't have a camera until the last couple weeks before i popped. sooo.... cell phone picture gif! i loved growing laken. he is the cutest!

dear laken

dear little baby laken,
you are growing up to be such a handsome little guy. and i thought you were cute right outta the oven.. who'd a thought you'd be THIS cute.
you are a little firecracker. i love waking up to your face. well, sometimes i think... come on laken... sleep just an hour longer! but then i look at your little baby blues and your ear to ear smile and i join along with you in your stretching! you're a fighter little guy, just like your momma. however, you like to fight the wrong things... your sleep and your bottle when its in your mouth... then you get mad because you want the bottle or you want the sleep. and i know when you're older you're gonna wish that you took better naps. i promise.
you eat like a monster, sometimes you eat too much and then we both get to wear it. you just fuss too much until you get a bottle (it is sometimes the only thing that will soothe you - chunk butt). oh boy, you little piece of work. i love ya anyway!
you're not quiet wearing 0-3 month clothes and you hardly fit in newborns anymore... i wish that hanging around in diapers was acceptable, but when you are in diapers i feel like the bad guy when i am patting your back.
when you're in other peoples arms you're always looking for me. like you think i'm the prettiest girl in the world... even when i'm greasy looking like a potato chip. thanks for that, but you'll soon see that these people that have you in their arms are pretty good looking too!
thank you for sleeping throughout the night and being the best part of my day. love you little guy to two infinity and beyond!

love,
mommy.

the bare necessities at 5 weeks

just a quick update on a saturday night, (well now its sunday).
i forgot to link this blog up to my blog... little over a month ago i was asked by Beth Ridings to write in a feature "Why I Blog" in the blog "Until only love remains." She is currently fundraising for Walk for Life... you can read more about it here. Pretty great stuff. My feature was posted back on my due date - so i was so wrapped up in that that i forgot to mention it in my blog.
here is the link if you'd like to read it.

anyhow, the last post I posted cause quite a stir, and I just want to say that we have all made our own choices in our lives and we chose to live with them. this isn't a competition between the dad and i of who has done better or who is worse off. i can speak for myself that i am very happy with my choices and i don't wish anything bad upon him - only good things.

another thing... i appreciate all the awesome and positive feedback i do get on my blog, i write to kind of let other women know that they aren't alone. i want people to be able to see themselves in my blog, because blogging is not only about me, but its about the reader as well.

ok, i wanted to post this at the month mark, but...... i've been in austin and then have been busy spending time with loved ones. tonight i had a baby sitter (my momma) so i could go enjoy a night on the town, but i ended up staying in and putting this together. these are the things that have gotten laken and i through these past 5 weeks and 3 days.



avent soothies - laken didn't get a pacifier for a while. i was trying to make sure that he didn't get nipple confusion. i threw a fit when they wheeled laken back into my room after being in the nursery at the hospital for a check up. however, i tried all kinds... i tried the tommy tippie ones, too big. i tried the gumdrop ones, too hard. i tried the nuk, he used them but they were alot different than the nipples on his bottles. the soothies were the only pacifiers that i didn't buy, and they work great. thanks celeste. :)
swaddle-me blankets - i am officially the worse swaddler in the world. i need to practice more of have a bigger blanket, or rubber bands to finish up the job. these swaddle me's get the job done in a snap (or well a placement of the velcro). i was so relieved once laken finally grew into them. he doesn't like waking up in them, but they do keep him asleep. his flailing arms are his worse enemy.
munchkins pacifier wipes - these are great for pacifiers or bottles when you're out and need to wash 'em and really can't. i don't like to, but if you're somewhere where you have to just rinse your bottle these are great to help clean 'em.
sleep sheep - this has become a great thing for laken when he is sleeping. i am starting to only use it when its time for him to go to bed for his long night of rest. the noise drowns out everything else and helps calm him to his happy sleeping place.
gumdrop bottles - the night that laken had to have an actual bottle with formula i grabbed one of these little guys off the shelf for him. i have spent money on tons of different and EXPENSIVE bottles. the nipple flow of all the others are just too much for him to handle. these are just perfect for him.
medline remedy foaming soap cleaner - this is probably one of my most favorite things ever. i use this on laken when he really needs to be cleaned up and there isn't time for a bath, and i used to use this on me all the time when i was out and smelling of breastmilk or spit up. it smells so great and really leaves you feeling clean.
medelda hydrogels - these really help your cracked/soar nipples. let me just tell you... i loved these things. i'm sure there are stuff out there that are better, and i'd love to know more tricks so that my next attempt at breastfeeding is more successful. there was just so many things i'd love to of known before it was too late and so many things i wish i could change and do again.
burp rags - do not even get me started unless i have one of these. i have them everywhere, and they are a MUST. don't ever leave anywhere without one. everytime i see a kid with a messy face i wanna clean it, and now that i have my own... his face is always clean.
twilight turtle - i'm sure laken will appreciate this guy a little later. it projects stars onto the wall. i love this little guy so i can check up on my sugar plum while he is sleeping. it comes in different colors and it is just too awesome! love, love, love.

its already two in the morning! time flew... gotta go to bed, church in the morning. good night!

our room. :)

I know it is tradition for mom blogs to post pictures of the babies nursery. well, i am sharing my room with my little baby boy... so i wanted to share OUR room. I have completely changed this room from how it looked before Laken. it was green and orange and had little birds here and there. when the x moved out.. i decided that it was time to give a face lift to my entire place. so i have decided that i will share my whole house with you, but in segments.

BEFORE

and this 2nd one is during. my brother tore down more wall to make opening of my closet bigger. very sweet of him.

and now here is AFTER:


that little thing on the bottom right corner is a co-sleeper where laken has been sleeping. during the day he'll sleep in his crib or the pack-n-play at nana's.


thats little man's hospital picture. i couldn't be the mom that didn't get the hospital picture. the character was made for us in san antonio when he was a little over 2 weeks i think.


bed spread from urban outfitters.


just to show his side and my side... however we collide. the black and white stripe pillow i made. i saw a picture online and had to do it.


lake's corner.


world map is the art piece in the back that i made. i also made the little airplanes that are floating. i saw a picture on etsy while searching for mobiles. it was one of the last things i did... i was scary close to my due date so i didn't want to risk ordering it and getting it after his arrival... so i made them myself. i also made him his blanket that is hanging on the side of the crib. i ordered the fabric online... i wanted something to match my spread.


the things i made for him.


the new closet. instead of putting doors up i decided to use curtains... less noise while the baby is sleeping and to give us more room (so the doors wouldn't hit the crib). i like the way it looks.


the middle picture frame is going to be changed out eventually... i made a print that i turned out not particularly liking so i just put this filler in. however... the saying is so true. the picture to the right of it i was going to put in my living room and replace it with the picture of lake and i at the hospital.
i broke down and bought the sophie the giraffe. i hope he loves it as much as mommy's say their children love it.

well that is all folks! there is actually one more wall. well its more a quarter of a wall, but it isn't quite finished... once i get that project going i'll be sure to post it up here.

laken has started to get in a better with semi-self soothing. i've been able to put him down and he has been able to take that time for himself without fussing. i just got back from austin today, and i hope that we can start working in a routine. i don't expect him to follow it, but i just want to start slowly establishing one. and in that routine will be more time spent with my blog and reading others. i miss doing that. i miss you guys who still do follow me. until next time. good night. :)

one month

my big boy is ONE month today!! i can't believe it. I am about to head to austin to go hang out with my cousin tiffany and her baby boy. its gonna be a fun time. i miss austin, but most importantly i miss my cousin. its gonna be our first official mom-hang session. its only taken my about 6 hours to get everything together to leave. but of course i had to take pictures before i left. one month is a bench mark.



ps blog... i miss you. and i will tend to you more real soon!!

breast feeding #momproblems

hello all --

i never hoped for my blog to be as neglected as it has been, but i hadn't gotten the hang of putting laken down to get stuff done. well, i am doing it today! he is sitting in his little swing and i am "getting stuff done" -- first things first.. my blog. ;)

so we are on his precious 13th day of life, and has it been a trying/wonderful 13 days! let me just say that when you're pregnant and you're planning how you'd like things to be for your baby... you have to realize that you can't always plan life. at any given moment you'll uproot you desires to fit the needs of your child. its just your new motherly instincts.

wanna know what i am referring to? breast feeding! you've seen in a previous post about how i had made a breast feeding cover, i didn't register for bottles, and i've been signed up for wic since august (not even using the benefits... just waiting to get the pump). well... sometimes things don't work out as planned.

at the hospital the first interaction that baby laken and i had was skin to skin, and we shortly did our first breast feeding session. little did i know that the next 4 days at the hospital would basically turn into turning my son into an anorexic boy. he was making bowel movements and he'd also pee, but it was the concentrated urine and probably all the bowel that he'd collected from living inside of me.

every day constantly a nursery nurse, a lactation consultant or just my nurse would come in and ask about how the breast feeding is coming along as well as if i have noticed my milk come in, and just like the signs of labor my milk had never come. he'd latch on just fine and he'd suck very hard to try, it was me that just wouldn't produce.

before leaving the hospital, my favorite nurse (karen) pointed out to me that his lips were cracking and white due to dehydration. he need to nurse. and the night before i thought i was running an all night milk-athon. he was latched on for a span of 2 hours! i felt on top of the world, but it turns out he basically wasn't getting anything and all i was doing was losing out on sleep.

once the baby and i had returned home i had of course tried feeding him and he'd latch on for about 20 minutes each breast until he'd become sleepy. it was sometime after midnight when he'd just latch on a cry and cry and fight my breast with his hands. i'd have to restrict them so he'd latch on. however - he might as well of just used his hands, he'd get the same amount of milk from 'em. the final straw was one time he had broke away from the latch and blood was hanging from his lip and coming from one of my breasts. freaked out - we went to walmart to look for nipple shields as well as soothing pads to heal the cracks!

after coming home and that not working... crying and praying out loud and trying to console a little boy who was just so hungry... i rocked him back in forth in my glidder and read him books. anything i could do to distract him from the terrible mother that i felt i was because i couldn't produce food for my own child. my mom couldn't get sleep and she'd walk back and forth from her house to mine until finally i told her... we have to go to walmart, we need to get him some food. he can't just go without because i can't produce. so i went against everything i feared would happen. he went on formula.

i didn't have a choice, i couldnt pump (wic was closed until monday and it was saturday night) my nipples were cracked and bleeding. my child was now a temporary formula kid.

monday came around and i finally got a pump. let me just say those things are weird. when i got my pump i still wasn't a producer. i had nothing! i blame the fact that i was put through a cesarian rather than waiting for my body to become naturally ready to deliver (bringing along the milk).

between trying to pump (not even getting an ounce), feeding the baby his formula, and trying to get sleep to catch up from the extreme lack of sleep from the hospital... i admit i went with what was convenient. formula. the stuff i would pump wasn't enough to wet your whistle i would just throw it down the sink.

it wasn't until this past saturday when i went to my little cousin's birthday party that i decided to have my first adult beverage since my pre-pregnancy drink. i had to make sure that i did the whole "pump and dump" thing because i still haven't fully given up on my body and believing that i can breast feed. the ride home i pumped out more milk than my body had EVER produced! i was so excited, but bummed at the idea that it was a pump and dump session and that that milk was going straight to the trash.

that night i ended up running out for formula so sunday morning i had to give him breast... he nursed (without nipple confusion... thank the lord!) but was still hungry afterwards. i still don't know if my body is my biggest enemy or what, but when it comes to giving your child what he or she needs, you'll dismiss what is an enemy to you and be the hero to them - at any cost.

i hope you're enjoying your tuesday... i am off to pump and get stuff done for today! hopefully tomorrow i'll have a post with laken's 2 week picture and more fun stuff this week.

introducing the main act: LAKEN!! :)

This is very overdue, but try finding the time with a newborn!
i am glad, happy, ecstatic to introduce to you... my prince, and a future lucky girls prince charming.
I am so glad to be back from the hospital and in my own element, but I weirdly wish that I could just rent a room and stay there with this baby! This first week of his life has been the most emotional week I've ever had in my entire life. (that mainly has to do with breast feeding, and that is a going to be a blog of its own.)

Here is my birth story -- (too bad, i'm not a great story teller)

Last Tuesday the 24th I had a drs appointment to see if I had made any progress. Up to the appointment I had been doing everything from walking constantly, drinking and eating pineapple, drinking weird concoctions, and rolling on a yoga ball. I just didn't want my pregnancy to end in a c-section! At the appointment, my doctor told me that I only dilated 1 cm, and he striped the membrane while checking (OUCH!). He asked if i could be at the hospital that night to start the inducing process, because I would have my baby "tomorrow." And so it began.

I can't even describe the overwhelming feeling I had on the drive home. everyone has been texting day after day after day asking how i am and if there has been any sign of him coming... and day after day i would have to respond.. nope nothing! So now it was my turn to finally tell everyone............... it's time! Once the responses started coming in all i could do was just not respond, not look at my phone, just take that moment to take in the lasts parts of being at home and pregnant. i thought about the whole thing, the start the middle, the whole thing coming to an end. everything i have stood for was coming down to this. Ready, or not, here Laken comes.

The first night in the hospital was great. That was the night they started the medicine process to soften my cervix before the pitocin starts the next day. I ended up getting back to some of the people that had texted me or called -- I started to feel better. My mother painted my fingernails and we just spent time watching TV. My sister Laina, cousin tiff, and very dear friend Kayla stopped by just to give me words of encouragement and just show support. (Love them four!)

Wednesday Morning... the pitocin began, as well as the contractions and the people visiting. that is a deadly combination. especially for me. i didn't even want to speak to most people that came in. I would just stare at them when they'd ask me questions. I didn't want to take anything for pain, not until it got really bad. However, Shoemaker (my doctor) came in a broke my water... that was a different experience. ugh. Contractions got worse and then they decided to do the epidural. Not a bad experience, btw. didn't hurt. The nurse held me while i held a pillow. We said jokes, it wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be.

My doctor checked me again at 6PM. He told me that I was at 4 cm, to me that was exciting news. To him, he said that If I didn't progress within the next hour that he would have to go into a c-section. The nurse ended up coming in and she tried helping me by rotating me on the bed to help move him down. The hour ended and she was told to check me... she reported back to the dr that she thinks i progressed alittle, but it didn't matter. Shoemaker called it... I would have to go into a cesarian.

At that time i wasn't talking very much, but you could tell everyone was trying to console me and make sure that i was ok with it. at that point, it didn't matter. i cried because i figured it'd be hard without a partner to recover, but there wasn't anything i could do. i elected my sister Laina to be in the room with me during the surgery and my mother to be with Laken in the nursery when they weighed, measured, and bathed him. it worked out perfectly. my sister was the most awesome cheerlearder talking me through everything. saying how Laken was almost there, and when she could see him. How did she manager to look so great with a mask, shower cap, and scrubs... i don't know, but she was pretty to look and and calming. the whole time i was on the surgery table I was shaking! i kept praying, reading "Lord Gob, please just calm my body" which worked immensely!

laken soon arrived, and i had no clue where he went. next thing i know my sister is calling me from an adjoining room asking me if i could see him. i didn't until the nurse stepped aside and there he was. the baby that was apart of me was so far away. it hurt. they soon brought him over to me just long enough for me to kiss him twice and touch his face.

i went into recovery, which i clearly didn't need... i talked the whole time and begged for ice chips! i was later wheeled into my room as i waiting for the arrival of my little man. my family was all surrounded, who had already saw him get bathed and had little stories to tell me, waiting too. they were going to see him for a little bit and then give us time to finally be together. and that is exactly what happened. shortly after he got there we did skin to skin followed by our first breast feeding session. i was in love, i am in love!

thursday and friday was filled with visitors and learning. i couldn't be anymore grateful for all the people that stopped by and for the staff at bay area! it was a great experience and i wouldn't change a thing. i can't wait to share stories of he and i together. and the things that i have learned and will learn.

after our first week together... i have learned that things don't ever go as expected and you have to be able to overcome life's challenges and always be open minded to a change in plans. its been a tough week, but i wouldn't change it for anything.

until the next time i can get a chance to write in here. (which i hope is very soon!)

very much picture heavy: (sorry)

tuesday night... being pampered for the last time as a pregnant women. (my last drinks of water for - FOREVER!!)

my adorable sister getting ready for the show

my mom waiting for the nursery action after the surgery

introducing.... LAKEN!!!!!

laken's view of his mommy from the other room

getting "cleaned" up to come see mommy

FINALLY seeing my bubby.

i wished my arms were strong enough... i'd of snatched him away from the nurse. i wanted him so bad.

proud nana!

thats my big boy. :)

watching crowd

happy family and friends

i think in this picture i'm just amazed at what i made.

i looooooove him.

soaking it all in

maw maw

his nana who he loves oh so much!

my little ball of flesh

after his photoshoot for new born pictures

just hanging

miss sarah (blurry baby)

mrs val col (weird looking baby)

christina holding laken, thinking of marty.

cousins finally meeting one another. look how into it squid is. i love it!

baby squid... he's a looker!!

grandma rogers

miss maris!

my aunt diana

family picture

after seeing the pictures today.. those ears make lake look like a girl, but i think he is adorable anyway!

tori (well.. my arm is getting tired.)

tiffskiff! she helped me tons at the hospital and she even stayed with me one night. she'd of probably breastfed the baby if she could... thats how much she wanted to help. (THANKS A TON!!)

mrs. jamie :)

our going home picture. :)