breast feeding #momproblems

hello all --

i never hoped for my blog to be as neglected as it has been, but i hadn't gotten the hang of putting laken down to get stuff done. well, i am doing it today! he is sitting in his little swing and i am "getting stuff done" -- first things first.. my blog. ;)

so we are on his precious 13th day of life, and has it been a trying/wonderful 13 days! let me just say that when you're pregnant and you're planning how you'd like things to be for your baby... you have to realize that you can't always plan life. at any given moment you'll uproot you desires to fit the needs of your child. its just your new motherly instincts.

wanna know what i am referring to? breast feeding! you've seen in a previous post about how i had made a breast feeding cover, i didn't register for bottles, and i've been signed up for wic since august (not even using the benefits... just waiting to get the pump). well... sometimes things don't work out as planned.

at the hospital the first interaction that baby laken and i had was skin to skin, and we shortly did our first breast feeding session. little did i know that the next 4 days at the hospital would basically turn into turning my son into an anorexic boy. he was making bowel movements and he'd also pee, but it was the concentrated urine and probably all the bowel that he'd collected from living inside of me.

every day constantly a nursery nurse, a lactation consultant or just my nurse would come in and ask about how the breast feeding is coming along as well as if i have noticed my milk come in, and just like the signs of labor my milk had never come. he'd latch on just fine and he'd suck very hard to try, it was me that just wouldn't produce.

before leaving the hospital, my favorite nurse (karen) pointed out to me that his lips were cracking and white due to dehydration. he need to nurse. and the night before i thought i was running an all night milk-athon. he was latched on for a span of 2 hours! i felt on top of the world, but it turns out he basically wasn't getting anything and all i was doing was losing out on sleep.

once the baby and i had returned home i had of course tried feeding him and he'd latch on for about 20 minutes each breast until he'd become sleepy. it was sometime after midnight when he'd just latch on a cry and cry and fight my breast with his hands. i'd have to restrict them so he'd latch on. however - he might as well of just used his hands, he'd get the same amount of milk from 'em. the final straw was one time he had broke away from the latch and blood was hanging from his lip and coming from one of my breasts. freaked out - we went to walmart to look for nipple shields as well as soothing pads to heal the cracks!

after coming home and that not working... crying and praying out loud and trying to console a little boy who was just so hungry... i rocked him back in forth in my glidder and read him books. anything i could do to distract him from the terrible mother that i felt i was because i couldn't produce food for my own child. my mom couldn't get sleep and she'd walk back and forth from her house to mine until finally i told her... we have to go to walmart, we need to get him some food. he can't just go without because i can't produce. so i went against everything i feared would happen. he went on formula.

i didn't have a choice, i couldnt pump (wic was closed until monday and it was saturday night) my nipples were cracked and bleeding. my child was now a temporary formula kid.

monday came around and i finally got a pump. let me just say those things are weird. when i got my pump i still wasn't a producer. i had nothing! i blame the fact that i was put through a cesarian rather than waiting for my body to become naturally ready to deliver (bringing along the milk).

between trying to pump (not even getting an ounce), feeding the baby his formula, and trying to get sleep to catch up from the extreme lack of sleep from the hospital... i admit i went with what was convenient. formula. the stuff i would pump wasn't enough to wet your whistle i would just throw it down the sink.

it wasn't until this past saturday when i went to my little cousin's birthday party that i decided to have my first adult beverage since my pre-pregnancy drink. i had to make sure that i did the whole "pump and dump" thing because i still haven't fully given up on my body and believing that i can breast feed. the ride home i pumped out more milk than my body had EVER produced! i was so excited, but bummed at the idea that it was a pump and dump session and that that milk was going straight to the trash.

that night i ended up running out for formula so sunday morning i had to give him breast... he nursed (without nipple confusion... thank the lord!) but was still hungry afterwards. i still don't know if my body is my biggest enemy or what, but when it comes to giving your child what he or she needs, you'll dismiss what is an enemy to you and be the hero to them - at any cost.

i hope you're enjoying your tuesday... i am off to pump and get stuff done for today! hopefully tomorrow i'll have a post with laken's 2 week picture and more fun stuff this week.