i've had my share of scenes, my moments of pleading, my rampant name calling, and my retaliations in gossip... but all that just left me bitter. ever look up the definition to bitter - its unpleasant.
the feelings would overwhelm my insides. my insides were bitter and that wasn't the way that i wanted to live. i didn't want to become my problem.
first of all... this is how i started to change my insides.
perspective. at first it was a playing card in the small deck of cards i had against laken's dad. i would tell him that the baby is a blessing. the more i started to say it, the more i started to believe it, and the more real that it started to become. babies truly are blessings. (planned or not). that little soul, heart, body, mind was chosen to be your little gift from God. once you feel that little kick within your heart will change and your mind will be focused on what is best for that little one inside. (he could be your partner's blessing too, but maybe not at this given time)
my blessing. laken... i don't like to put this out on the internet, but for this i will... laken is a very needy baby! and i didn't want to say it because i didn't want someone's eyes to read it and say hurtful things about him or us... but its ok because other people's opinions about you are none of your business. some days i ask myself... "why me?! why do i, a single mom - with limited help, get stuck with a baby that doesn't want to give me a break?!" because really... baby laken is a very happy baby when you're entertaining him, but the "free" time you get with him is very limited. he gives up on everything (his swings, bouncer, tummy time, toys, gym, vibrating chair, & his m&p chair) very quickly. it can be very frustrating because you lose yourself... you'll feel like you are that baby and not yourself. you're an extension of that baby! your day revolves around feeding him, cleaning him, changing him, entertaining him, yada yada him. but really, he is a blessing... he is teaching me things that i would of never gained on my own. he is helping me develop patience, teaching me a new kind of love, and makes me want to be a better role model for him, and in that i "win" too.
self worth. you are created in the image of God and that is more than enough reason to want the best for you. I am not trying to force religion or for anyone to get offended if they don't believe in God. (laken drew me back to God, and He is where i pull my strength from "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - philipians 4:13). but you're a wonderful creation and you deserve the best. obviously i wasn't doing what is "right" by waiting to be married before having sex or have a child, but that doesn't mean i am not worthy of the very best.
a man that deserts his child is no man at all. they're lost and need guidance. as much as we'd like to be the one to guide them to manhood, sometimes we just can't. they're not willing to make that change and you don't deserve to sit around and wait for them to. i'm not gonna sugar coat it for anyone, there is a possibility for a guy to just straight up not be there for your child. (guys are very logical - very black and white - yes or no... not much in between) you can make excuses for him all you'd like, but until he does is when he does. you'll may also have a partner who is just there "when it is convenient" -- i don't know anything about that one, but i'm sure it is frustrating. you'll just have to bring your mind set onto the first card... that child is truly a blessing, and you're the one that gets to reap the benefits. go ahead you kindergarten child, gloat! you don't have to share!
standards. once you've decided that you're ok with doing this on your own or realizing that you basically don't have any other choice... that little booger is coming, you'll have to start shaping your life. i tell women that once they have let go that they'll need to set a standard for their next partner - if they decide to take one. god has a sense of humor... he will test you over and over with bad seeds until you learn. last november i dated a guy for a couple weeks. i was pregnant, it was weird. he was good on paper (great job, property, and a super awesome truck) and extremely attractive. hubba hubba!! but he just wasn't what i needed in my life. if i didn't break it off then i would of probably ended up with another xbf and more issues to sort. since then i have accepted only ONE date, and even that was VERY casual. i am like santa... i have made a list and i am checking it twice - or maybe even three times. if they're not going to be a wonderful man for laken and i, then he's got to go. period.
a little bit on self worth taken from that big book called the bible (one of my favorites) jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
and last, but not least... in fact, it is by far the most important forgiveness. this goes for any situation that you face, but will most definitely help you in this situation. forgiving laken's father, family, and girlfriend has been the most liberating thing. i will always forgive them for anything they say or do. because holding onto anything that will make me bitter again will destroy my insides--again, and they don't deserve that. i don't deserve that. holding onto anger, betrayal, or a wrongdoing will only create a bondage. and do you really wanna wear those things? a necklace of anger, a dress of betrayal, and shoes or wrongdoings... you'd look pretty awful. so break that bondage and truly forgive others, and you'll learn that by doing so you're setting yourself free. i promise.
